BREAKING NEWS: Charlie Brooker to split

In a statement that surprised fans and idiots alike, Charlie Brooker announced this morning, via an article on The Guardian’s website,  that he is to split up.

After 42 years, the critic, satirist and journalist announced the break up apparently after ‘running out of things to say’.

According to official sources, creative differences between his members led to the split and witnesses say Brooker was heard running out of The Guardian offices screaming: “I’VE TAUGHT YOU ALL YOU KNOW YOU GARGANTUAN ARSE WIPES, THERE’S NOTHING LEFT. ITS YOUR TIME NOW, I’VE NOTHING MORE TO GIVE”

Difficulties apparently began after his secret book of secrets was stolen, which included all of his secrets. Within weeks irritated young presenters were making their own television shows, which included shots of themselves filming themselves reacting to poor clips of television shows on a sofa whilst making disgruntled facial expressions using synonyms heavily featuring human faeces.

 It is unclear what lies next and at this stage there is no suggestion of future projects, but reports suggest he may go solo.

It may be difficult for Brooker to shake reunion rumours and there are apparently already plans to reunite in 2018 for the ten year anniversary of TV show ‘Dead Set’.

Messages are already pouring in, with one young fan taking to Twitter to pronounce “I miss Charlie Brooker already. Charlie Brooker was my childhood, he has to get back together”.

Devoted fans are reminded that although merchandise is still available to purchase, all previous work, writing or DVDs will have to be handed in at nationwide pop up units, to be set up shortly, so they can be formally collected, logged and destroyed.Image

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