Black Eyed Peas: (Not) Live

SUNDAY, 4 APRIL 2010

Black Eyed Peas: LIVE

 
No I didn’t see them.

 
I did, however, hear on the wireless today that they played a live show. Given they’re last ‘album’ (collection-of-thrown-together-down-right-awful-excuses-for-remixes/b-side-material-let-alone-singles) was God-awful and with absolutely no chance of being played ‘live’, I can only imagine this is how a Black Eyed Peas ‘Circus Act/Live Show’ would go:
 
Welcome to Black Eyed Peas: Live
 
It’s here, at the O2, in London, where this massacre is waiting to take place. The media have been building this one up for a while. Radio One are covering it and have been giving away tickets all day to excited teenagers and bamboozled unemployed twenty-somethings, who just wanted to enter ‘This Morning’s car competition, advertised by Chico. Reggie Yates and Fearne Cotton are there. Anyone with any sense is at a hastily prepared Mumford & Sons gig in Camden, well away from the danger-zone. Zane Lowe is there. That’s how cool it is there.
 
The tension is rising. Teenagers are buzzing in the arena, chaperoned by bored parents who had to accompany because of the ‘only over 13s’ age limit. The first support act comes on. ‘Give Peas A Chance’ receive a lukewarm reception to a half-empty O2 and are swiftly booed off before their planned ‘firework finale’.
 
Next up, ‘Tinie Tempah’ appear to rapturous, pre-pubescent, barely adolescent, applause. Unfortunately for the teenagers, they have to wait a good twenty minutes to hear their ‘hit’. Unfortunately for everyone else, they have to hear their ‘hit’.
 
Now things are really exciting, the VIP is filling up with every ‘A lister’ you could ever imagine. From ‘Kerry Katona’, to ‘Kerry Katona’, ‘they’, seriously, are all here.
 
At last, the time has come. A mock explosion echoes through the stadium. We hear these words: “Gotta get get” “Gotta get get”. The pretentious lot have even started with a hit. Everyone knows only Biffy can get away with that. Mind you, they probably didn’t even choose their own set. ‘The Mothership’ of Black Eyed Peas probably chose it through one of its many cyber-computers, only comparable to ‘Lancelot’, the Lottery Machine.
 
Fergie enters the stage on a steel-plated camel, with laser beams for eyes. Unfortunately, she hasn’t much skill in controlling it, and it blinds a few stewards who get too close. But thats show-business. Will.I.Am sidesteps onto the stage, holding his crotch, and a small picture of Cheryl Cole. The Rapping One just walks on, because no one really cares about him. And Backflip Man, backflips on.
 
A few songs in, teenagers are weeping with joy, mothers are weeping in pain, and dads are looking at Fergie, who has a mobile phone on her head. Hmm, unique.
 
Meanwhile, in Camden, Mumford & Sons have just finished a rather pleasant collaboratery act with Laura Marling.
 
Suddenly, back in the O2/The Death Star, all of the lights come on. And.. No… Surely not? An instrument is brought on, to gasps from all of the crowd. Dads are busy explaining what is happening, mothers just cant believe it. Will.I.Am is holding… A GUITAR.
 
It’s alright though, he doesn’t really play it, its only a prop. Well, PHEW.
 
They play ‘Where Is The Love’, to great cheers. Hoorah, a good knees up to all of the bad things in the world. The ‘band’/’creation’ love this song. The Rapping man gets to rap, and even Backflip Man gets to backflip. What joy.
 
In the distant, can i hear a faint guitar, playing a faint intro to ‘the cave’ ?
 
Black Eyed Peas end their show after that and Reggie Yates turns to the camera, beaming in a way only Reggie Yates can, and declares it the ‘best night of his life’.
 
But what’s this? Yes, because this is practically every audience members first ‘concert’, they have no idea about the concept of an encore. Again, the dads have to explain, and quote a late seventies’ ‘Floyd’ gig, and mention something about a pig in the sky.
 
But who’s this? Yes, joining Black Eyed Peas for one more song its.. Courtney Love. “I’ve always loved you guys” she declares, before they all dance, sing, rap and backflip to ‘Hole’s latest B-Side. Surprisingly, this is the most normal thing that has happened this evening. Everyone leaves, confused, bedazzled and Reggie Yates is now talking about the next show Radio One are covering. YES! It’s JLS. But every Black Eyed Peas fans leaves with a smile, and an overpriced accompanying program and tee-shirt.
 
 
 
Anyway, in general,there’s not much good about Black Eyed Peas, or Black Eyed Peas’ music, other than Black Eyed Peas ‘baiting’.
 
In fact, the only good thing about Black Eyed Peas are the fact that their latest album is called ‘The E.N.D’, so there’s always a slim chance that this could be it for them.
 
I hope you had a nice evening.
 
I think i see Marcus Mumford dancing with Kerry Katona.
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